And she insisted that she wouldn't tell my wife if I promised never to do it again. But I was still super freaked out, and she could tell. We were now sitting side by side on her bed, and I started to say to her how I know she will never look at me the same again. And I how I will never be able to be around her or the whole group again without feeling super uncomfortable. She assured me I was making too much out of this, and really it was no big deal. Then she shocked me when she said, "Do you think I have never masturbated before, we all do it. You just got caught, that's all". So now I am sitting next to her, imagining her masturbating, and I got rock hard again. She looked at my crotch and noticed, and asked if her saying that is what made me hard again. I nodded. Then she told me that if we were ever going to get back to normal, maybe the best thing to do is for me to see her the way she had just seen me. Then I could rest assured she wouldn't tell anyone, and there would be no. While that may still be true, the rest of me had not fared so well, I think, as I sit there picking out my flaws, letting my doubts play through my mind. What if I am not enough? What if he isn’t turned on by me? What if I am not able to satisfy him or him me? I “what if” the minutes away as I park and grab my bag and head towards the hotel. Was I ready to let someone know me intimately again? Let him see the “me” that I had hidden and pushed aside for so many years? Only one other man had ever seen me, been with me in the last twenty years and he let me down, betrayed my trust, rejected me. Was I ready to open myself up to someone else, even if it was just to give him my body and to take pleasure in his use of it? I guess I am, I think to myself as I text him to let him know I am in the lobby. I nervously glance around, wondering if he is secretly watching me. My phone vibrates and I glance down at it and read his text. It just contains his room number, so I head to the elevators. .
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