"Mum and Dad left me a legacy of hang-ups to deal with and I was scared stiff I'd pass them on to our children, and we'd end up with them being as neurotic as I was." That's the reason?" I couldn't admit it to myself, let alone you." She paused. "There's the glimmer of a headship on the horizon. Muriel Jeffries is due for retirement shortly and I've already started sending out feelers." That's great news." If I can make head in the next couple of years, maybe I can take a break after a year to have a baby."I quickly did the maths. Three years plus maybe a year to conceive plus nine months would just put her on the wrong side of forty. Restricting us to just one child also seemed like a major sacrifice."Jenny spoke to me the other day. She'd also like to have children."Vanessa thought over what I said. "With you?" With us, yes." What did you tell her?" I said I'd speak to you."Vanessa stared up at the ceiling. "Is this something she really wants to do?" She feels it will give her. You know who you are. You know your mind. Your outward desires and reality are as clear as day.And so you resent and revile your own baser instincts- your tearing, teeth-on-edge irritation at yourself that your own wants and desires pull you off the predictable, relentless beat, towards your off-beat, fallible pulse instead.Because, your pulse is racing and slowing: not based on your own free-will, but upon mine.That little prick. He’s always winding you up. Where does he get off? Stupid, slathering, letchy arsehole. Fuck him. Why don’t they listen? They never listen. Their arrogance is so see-through. They don’t know anything. Why has this cunt pushed in, in front of me? No fucking manners. Why can’t she just calm down for five fucking minutes? Dick. Keep breathing. Show him. Show them. Why are the decisions always on me? Why do they all fuck with me? They can’t fuck with me. Any of them.Panting, not at what I'm doing, yet, but at the shadows and echos of the outside world and your.
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