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Then one day I decided I could wait no longer – it was now or never – and so here I sit, stomach churning, batting out short texts tracking him down the motorway. Oh my God, I’d done it; I’d invited him to my home. What was I thinking! What do I wear? What do I say? Will he like me? Will I like him? No going back! Then I hear the yard gate and know its too late — he's arrived! Using all my inner strength I open the door and plaster on a smile. Phew it's ok; he is still the lovely sweet man who had been chatting to me on the phone trying to figure out my needs and wants. I make coffee and we talked for an hour, how I regretted that hour now. Next time I’ll have him spank as soon he steps in through the door, heck I’ll even open the door in the buff. Even now I can’t explain why I want to be punished, why I want to submit and have him standing over me. He tells me that sometimes what seems like surrender isn't surrender at all. It's about what's going on in our hearts, about accepting. They both had such hot and buddingly-attractive black femalefaces; with big lips, big white eyes, and big white teeth. Their skinwas so glossy, shiny, and ebony, and their nappy dark and frizzy hair wasall done up in such cute styles. To all the world, they were blackgirls.I looked in the mirror, and I was similar.When we got home, James asked me what I had talked about with thetherapist, and I divulged everything. James promised to give me everyassistance and support in anything I decided, and he told me I did nothave to make a decision right away, and I could take my time. He alsoagreed with the idea of letting "Ryan and Tommy" remerge in private withtheir father, and he would slowly let times for this develop... Also,fortunately, for the next few days, whenever we came and left the house,we did not see Christine and have to run the gauntlet past her andEdmond. As our house was in a large neighborhood; though, our home washuge and we had the side back door and garage we could.
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