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I did see him around every so often, we did go to the same school but different classes. I waved, he waved back and then he turned and walked away. Sam was over a couple of weeks later, she had been on vacation and wanted to show me the pictures. It's like she was never gone, we chatted for a long time but then I brought up what has been nagging me since my first day of school. I told her about the school nurse and what she had said about pain. She thought about it for a minute, "So you got an erection right there in the school nurses office?", she had a crooked grin on her face, "The nurse may be right, I dunno. I do have some customers that enjoy this, I don't, but I like to give them what they ask for". We chatted some more when she thought of something, "You know, I have a 'friend' that works for the same company, he may be able to help you explore these feelings if you like, but he would charge. I could talk to Tim later". I agreed and we went on with our evening, we all ate. Now I am just sad, uneasy. For him, fucking me is something dirty; it requires a gift as an apology. It’s not his fault. But I feel now defiled; not by his stealthy little fuck in the morning but by his feeling guilty, by his conviction that sex is dirty and that I am unclean, soiled by sex and soiling him.”Helen told me the above only late in the year, with our parting drawing day by day closer. I was sorry that our so wonderful, sexually so fulfilled and rewarding affair would end. I was relieved that Erika had suspected nothing. I also believed that my affair with Helen had not changed our marital relationship for the worse. I had no wish to confess my trespass and inflict hurt.However, listening to Helen’s description of her marriage made me feel very uneasy about its future.At first, I had not taken Helen’s claim that Rilke’s Der Panther and my reading and suggestive interpretation had led her into our affair as fully serious. I had tried to explain in class, in general terms,.
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