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Sure, I looked at women, I admired their beauty, studied their hairstyle, clothes, shoes, make-up, but there was never the slightest spark of sexual or romantic interest. In the summer of 2015 something happened with no prior warning or build-up of self-doubt that freaked me out. I was suddenly thrown into a sexual confusion where I felt that I didn’t know myself anymore. Surely these are the type of doubts you might expect to experience in your teens, not at my age.It was a Friday and I was traveling home by train from Waterloo Station in London to Guildford in Surrey. I wanted to avoid Friday’s rush hour (when you can’t get a seat), so I left work early and found a seat by the window in one of those sets of seats where they face each other with no table in between. Shortly afterward a couple of young women took the seats opposite to me and placed a load of shopping bags on the rack above; soon the train gently pulled away from the station.I took a glance over at the two women and. Do you love your father?"I released Mother's finger. "Yeah." All other questions were worthless."Wait. I can't help it. You gotta tell me. Is he really your sex partner?" That's private, Walter. I won't tell him you asked." She shook her shoulders and rubbed her neck." She wanted to get back to work."Is Grandfather your sex partner?" Walter. I'm not going to be patient with you."I'd lost. I'd never know how my mother really felt about how the 'men' in her home could treat her. "Um- Am I your sex partner?" I felt like I was about to pee in my pants. I was terrified."Make yourself dinner, Walter." She examined her code.Father arrived later that night. I was studying for a special exam that might merit a college subsidy. He passed my door."Good night, Walter." Good night, -" I started to cry.I was wiping my eyes when Mother knocked. "Walter, your father is very upset." I'm sorry." I wanted to cry again."We'll talk in the morning."I couldn't sleep. I went out for a midnight walk around.
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