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The woman said she would try her best. God visited the woman a week later to see how she was getting on. “Not bad” said the woman, “I’ve given up smoking and drinking but then I bent over to get some stuff out of the freezer and my boyfriend caught sight of my long slender legs, he pulled up my skirt, pulled my panties to one side and made love to me right then and there.” “They don’t like that in heaven,” God said. The woman replied, “They’re not too happy about it in Costco either!”1. My wife and I divorced over religious differences. She thought she was God and I didn’t!2. I don’t suffer from insanity; I enjoy every minute of it.3. Some people are alive only because it’s illegal to kill them.4. I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.5. Don’t take life too seriously; No one gets out alive.6. You’re just jealous because the voices only talk to me7. Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.8. Earth is the insane asylum for the universe.9. I’m not a complete idiot -- Some parts. On Friday morning, Paul had a meeting with Tom Turbo.“Tom, your fans are besotted with you. As you know from your fan mail, many of them are dying to see you finally getting a cock up your arse. Well, I believe that time has finally come,” Paul said.As he saw the blood drain from Tom’s face, a surge of excitement went through Paul. Much as he respected Tom for all the money he had made for the studio, Paul, nevertheless, had always found Tom to be an arrogant prick.Appealing to Tom’s vanity, Paul then persevered, “Naturally, with your star status, the video would have to be spectacular. Accordingly, I believe I have finally come up with the right guy that would be worthy of such an accomplishment. Not only will it cement your career, but in my belief, it will be a video that will become legendary. Should I continue?” Paul now asked rhetorically.“Okay,” Tom replied still somewhat sceptically.With Elijah’s video at the ready, Paul said, “Watch this,” as he pressed the play button.Tom.
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