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A(This is a true story. If you have children you will probably relate to this father).As ham sandwiches go, it was perfection: a thick slab of ham on a fresh bun with crisp lettuce and plenty of expensive, light brown, gourmet mustard.The corners of my jaw aching in anticipation, I carried it to the table in our backyard, picked it up with both hands, but was stopped by my wife suddenly at my side.“Here, hold Johnny (our six-week-old son) while I get my sandwich” she said.I had him balanced between my left elbow and shoulder and was reaching again for the ham sandwich when I noticed a streak of mustard on my fingers...I love mustard.I had no napkin.I licked it off.It was not mustard.No man ever put a baby down faster.It was the first and only time I have sprinted with my tongue protruding out.With a washcloth in each hand, I did the sort of routine shoeshine boys do, only I did it on my tongue.Later, after she stopped crying from laughing so hard, my wife said, “Now you know why they. " She stood up and went to the end of the roomand walked towards me. "Scissor your legs, putting one across theother. Look straight ahead, don?t look down and definitely no smiling.Shoulders back and straight, let your arms swing naturally." Emmastopped, stared straight ahead with her hand on her hip. "Hold the posefor the camera boys to take their pictures, then turn and walk back."I giggled, tried to stop by putting my fist in my mouth, then burst outlaughing."What?s so funny?"I couldn?t stop grinning. "It?s your tits bouncing up and down. I can?ttake my eyes off them." OK, funny girl. You have a go." OK, but don?t laugh. I?ve never done this before."I tried to copy what Emma had done, but I couldn?t stop myself fromsmiling."Stop grinning like a chimp." Emma barked. "Put your shouldersstraight, and for God?s sake, put some knickers on. Your cock isdistracting."I practised a few more times and started to get the hang of it."Not bad, baby. Now try it in heels."Easy, I thought. I.
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