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One fantasy has always been prominent though. It was an itch that was scratched long ago at Marva’s whorehouse—sex with a black woman. Even though it was great as far as whorehouse sex goes it was never satisfying in the way I had always hoped for.The itch itself started when I was in high school just outside of Cleveland, Ohio. I attended a student council conference in Cleveland where I met a stunning, intelligent black girl by the name Chantelle Saunders. Until that time in my life I had never been exposed to any black people face to face. This was in the mid 50’s prior to the Civil Rights Act being passed. When I met Chantelle Saunders though, the pit of my stomach literally hit the floor. I was stunned and giddy.As luck would have it I sat beside Chantelle at lunch that day. I can’t explain the mutual admiration that went on between us. It seemed that we were in a bubble and were both enthralled with both the difference between one another and out magnetic attraction. I’ve often. I was hoping for a life with Magda, of course – that was old new already. I was hoping for friends and perhaps to play in a band. Could I? Maybe, with the right people. I would ask Bettan and Erik if they wanted to play with me sometime. Could I play on stage, with a crowd? Maybe. One step at a time. I had to synch myself better with Magda, time-wise. I couldn’t live my life at nights anymore. Small sacrifice. I was excited. I wanted to change more, faster, broaden my horizons. I went into the bad flat to confront the floor but its passively malevolent plastic shit-brown-squared self-satisfied ugliness defeated me. I staggered out, shaken. This was a floor which detested everything more complicated than moronic game-shows on TV. A floor that hated everything that was new or different. It certainly hated me and it was mutual. It was racist, too. And Christian in that way which was all -ian and no Christ. I could of course just hire someone to rip it out and put something more.
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