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.. a week later and there's a lot of kids in bad, bad trouble."It would be easy, I thought, to believe he was making this all up. But I remembered Anna Jackson's comments."So, you will be careful out there," Marcus went on. "Try not to talk; if you do talk, be careful of what you say. They can detect phonies, do-gooders, cops, lies; you name it; all just by looking at you. They like to push until something breaks; that's what a lot of their home lives were like. If someone starts ragging on you, pushing at you... back off. Go sit in the van and ignore them. I'll deal with it."If someone has a weapon, back to the van. I'll call the cops. I don't want you to think with your usual white liberal goody-goody mindset; you see an African-American on the street, headed towards you, you back away. Let me know. The kids in trouble are mainly white, occasionally yellow. Rarely brown, virtually never black. Blacks, browns, and now Orientals, they're problems. You want to be careful of them." You. Depression is born of a root feeling of inadequacy: I'm not good enough, I'm not worthy. But we make up for it with the strength with which we love others. For one, it's what Brandon calls the 'shoelace cycle, ' after the analogy he uses to describe it. (There's probably a real psychological name for it, but none of us know it.) You've got someone who can't tie her own shoelaces, she can only tie other people's. So she figures, "I'll tie someone else's shoelaces, in the hopes that they'll tie mine." And so she does. Sometimes it even works.But for two, it's a response to those feelings of worthlessness. We see ourselves as worthless, but maybe we can find some value in someone else's eyes. And, besides—if we can't love somebody, if we can't help somebody, if we can't make their lives somehow better... What worth do we have at all?So, in the end, it wasn't really concern for myself that swayed my heart. It was compassion. It was concern for my sister. My sister the bitch; my sister.
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