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Mel didn’t even like to think about the scene, of what her mother had to face, but worse was Mel being aware of everything that had led up to Tracy’s attempt to kill herself. Mel should have known, should have seen it, and in his own lumbering and stupid way he had missed all the cues. What an asshole.Everybody piled on Mel for him giving a rifle to Tracy, for leaving it with her even when everyone knew she was a young woman undergoing deep psychological distress. Her mother, Nick, Tim, everybody. Even Tina came by the hospital and lashed out at Mel for being a cocksucking idiot. Mel felt terrible. Let’s cut to the most important part: Tracy was fine. She absolutely had tried to kill herself, but instead of doing the womanly thing of swallowing pills or draino, she had pulled the rifle out of the closet, pointed it at her head, and pulled the trigger. Easy to say but difficult to do when it’s a rifle. If Tracy had stuck the thing into her mouth then maybe something would. It wasn't because I got all tinglyinside when I held you; you just caught be by surprise; that's all itwas. I allowed my flusteredness to show, since it fit with my charade,but I went to look like I was trying to cover it up by asking youwhether you ask all your patients who are naturally female out on datestoo. Your line about how I always was a woman and all you'd done is make theoutside match the person I was on the inside was smoother than any lineDoug had ever used, and I'm sure it would have worked if I'd been who Iwas pretending to be. Just because I left your office wondering whatit would feel like to kiss you doesn't mean it worked; that was only mydamned hormones talking.I guess the next important event was when I got permission to leave thehospital grounds for brief periods of time, and finally got up thenerve to open my box of personal effects. There laid out before me wereDoug's remains, at least that's how I though of it. It had a shirt, ajacket, a pair of jeans,.
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