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We are aware that we are the subject of each other's reverie. We are each aware that the other is also aware. I see the yearning in her posture. In the way she turns briefly, just enough to catch me in the corner of her eye. I am just the right distance away to reinforce the feelings of mutual attraction and mutual respect. She remains on my left, backlit by the morning sun, and I am stimulated from drinking her presence in.I see a woman who is more beautiful than her competition, my wife, but perhaps beautiful is not the correct term. More attractive, but possibly only because familiarity with my wife has bred ennui. Her husband would probably feel the same about her and might have similar thoughts about my wife. Neither of these married women are supermodels, but both are beautiful. The additional attraction I feel toward her is merely the difference between the unfamiliar and the mundane. I know only what I sense. We have no shared history and that makes each new moment together. So there you have it, bye bye virginity, the one thing I wanted to willing give to someone was wrenched away by the very person I was going to give it to that night. Can you imagine how fucked up I was feeling that night.More than anything though I was feeling guilty, it seems weird now, but for a long time I felt it was my fault. My fault for not putting out sooner, my fault for dressing sexily, my fault for leading him on. Of course it was his fault for being a violent dickhead, but I hadn't realised that yet, and it would take a few years for that to finally sink in.For a few months everything was back to normal, now that I'd lost my virginity I didn't hold back any longer, so I put out for him pretty much whenever he asked, which was two or three times a day sometimes. Some days though I was still sore from the last time (he never mastered the art of foreplay, just ploughed straight in whether I was ready or not, luckily he wasn't well hung, or I'd have been seriously damaged) and.
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