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It’s our last at bat and I’m finally up with 2 outs and 2 men on base. This is slow pitch softball and I’m still pissed. I finally decide to hit like I can and just screw it. Maybe I’m cracking up a little. My boss, Ron Feldman, is also our coach and watching me closely. He’s my pretend boss at the GSA but also my handler for the NSA (maybe – I’ll explain in a bit.) So – I hit the ball like I can and crush it. It flies probably 500 feet and that is further than anybody on this field or in the park has ever seen a softball hit. I just trot home and that’s a walk-off homer and we win. But I’m not smiling and again Rachel didn’t even notice. Some of my teammates want to congratulate me but they’re mostly just in shock from that throw and then that hit. Generally we’d all stop off at the local bar and drink after the game, win or lose, and Rachel and I used to like to do that. But Rachel hasn’t even come to any of my games or my work social events much the last two years and neither of. I really didn't want to go back to my old groupie life, so, ironically, considering my deeply ambivalent feelings, it looked like Margaret was all I had left. The thought of that scared me deeply, so for a while, for as long as I could hold out, which was just a few weeks but felt like months, I avoided her.Instead, and against my best intentions I had a series of dead-end one-night-stands with strangers I picked up at the Speakeasy and other clubs. I smoked a lot of dope, swallowed a lot of pills, sniffed too much coke and poppers, and when I got sick of the strangers, I masturbated in hopeless solitude. Despair bit me hard, and as a last resort I reverted to old hobbies. I took up running, swimming, exercising in a health club gym, pushing my body until the natural endorphins lifted my mood, which had worked at school and in early university days, before the counter-culture lured me from straight behaviour, but it was all just a small elastoplast on a gaping wound.One day in.
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